barrayar | I am junking up this beautiful community with this junk

[ That is...an interesting turn of phrase. The clones in their creche were sheltered, yeah, but they were still socialized by Jacksonians. They learned to speak like them, learned to think like them. And so the word owe pricks up his ears. Talk of loyalty is foreign. Talk of kindness more so. Talk of debts...

He sits back very slightly in his chair. ]

What would you owe me, exactly?

[Gregor does not often deal with Jacksonians directly, that's for sure, but he has been briefed in it as he's been briefed on every other aspect of intergalactic diplomacy. Time to employ that lesson, then. He's alive to the nuance of that word, to Jacksonians.]

It changes the whole game, if you were Our loyal subject retroactively. You've done nothing against Us yet. If you were my liege-sworn, you would have suffered dearly in Our name, if I've any guess. Suffered until you could come back to Barrayar, no plot raised against us-- neutralizing the plot by your very allegiance, honestly. Your whole life would have been in service. I would owe you... a very large blank check. To be called upon at will.

[It's laughable, honestly. Gregor owes all of Barrayar a blank check, value infinite. This man would be getting no special treatment. But he doesn't imagine he can convince a Jacksonian of how that works, of the true character of loyalty; best to speak to him specifically, to his individual debt to this one individual hypothetical subject.]

[ His eyes narrow. He crosses his arms. A large blank check? Meaning what? He can drain the whole of the Imperial Treasury? He can call down a strike against Ser Galen with the whole might of the Imperial Army?

No. Bad Deal, to waste the price of his loyalty on that...They'd do that of their own accord. Without him asking.

He feels sick with mingled excitement and desire and sick dread. By just agreeing, by giving up the plot and all its co-conspirators, by turning against them, he could see them all dead. And be rewarded for it...But then what? What life for you then, nameless clone? ]

And why wouldn't you just use your powers to destroy my mind? Get everything you want from it. And then eliminate the debt.

[What he's missing here is, of course, that Gregor owes the same thing to everyone else. He can't drain the Treasury without betraying all the rest. But what he can do for this man alone, without infringing on any other debts, he will do absolutely.

It seems an easy thing to promise-- a light one, to pay some recompense to someone who is surely owed it by the universe.]

Quite simply, I don't want to. If I wanted the debt eliminated, I do have liege-sworn here; they would kill you for me at a word, or torture you for the information I wanted. [This he doesn't say lightly; he sounds sober. But there's no use not acknowledging it, for all he'd obviously never enact it. To make Miles or Aral do that to their own kin... That is not in Gregor, even in his nightmares.] Much messier to do it this way, don't you think, and for no reason? No... I'm not that sort of person. Not that sort of Emperor.

If you're meant to replace Miles, you must know something of me. When have I destroyed anyone, even enemies?

[ It calms the clone considerably to hear that mention of torture and murder. It's true; the Emperor could have it done at a moment's notice, more easily than exercising his own power. And if he claimed he hadn't thought about it then the clone would know him for a liar. Of course he's thought about it. He has to have thought about torturing the information out of him.

Honestly, the clone half wishes he would. He's been trained extensively on what to do if he's being tortured. It feels like a safer, less frightening alternative to all of this.

His answer is quiet. ]

You were trained in state-craft by the Butcher of Komarr.

... Hmm. Komarran dissidents, then?

[Gregor sounds very mild. That's an informative tidbit to give him. But no, now is not the time to fight propaganda and indoctrination. That is another battle, one Aral does not need him to wage for him.]

Never mind, beside the point. Surely you can look at basic facts of my behavior. Do you remember the incident with the Cetagandan forces around Vervain? That was my first command; I ordered even Aral to let me have my way. And when they were beaten, we did not pursue. There is no grace in shaming a defeated enemy. I have no wish to shame you. On the contrary... if you were to be in my service, I'd want you built up. It makes no sense, to diminish those who act for you. Illogical and cruel both.

[ There's something in that last statement he just doesn't want to touch. He starts to think about it, and when he does, he feels...He doesn't want to think about how he feels. He just suppresses it.

Instead, he issues a challenge: ]

I want proof. If you can practice telepathy, then open your mind to me. And let me see.

[He shakes his head.]

I can't. Liege relationships only. I could not prove it to you if I wanted to. If you want this deal, it will have to be a leap of faith-- for both of us.

I'm well aware you're likely meant as my assassin. [He sounds easy about this.] I have so many of them.

I feel like it's a bigger leap for me.

[ His lips tighten. You're thinking about it. Defecting to these madmen. These Barrayaran madmen. And for what? Are you really so easily suborned?

But: You could have a new life... ]

It's less dangerous to get loyalty than it is to give it.

[ But...he is in this room with the clone. With his would-be killer, who could still murder him before Naismith could even enter the room. ]

Yes, [he concedes, nodding.] Less dangerous in the leap, certainly. But in the fall...

I must catch you. Now and forever after, you would not be alone. I must be there, always; I would owe you it, to stand between you and all the rest. That is the danger, for me. Anything you did, I would be culpable for, whether it was in my name or not.

[He must at least understand the legal ramifications, with the vicious cannibalistic legal system of Jackson's Whole. But he thinks too it must be a tempting offer, to have a legal protection that is irrespective of all else, wholesale, in a way no Deal could ever be. Barrayarans do not renege; that is the whole source of Gregor's difficulties in telling everyone here he is a deserter. There is no mustering out.]

[ Protection. Another cage, he thinks. What will Gregor ask of him? To return to Galen? To kill for him? A trained assassin, sworn to his loyalty. Will he send him back into the Komarran cell and kill them all? Or are the plans more long-term? Another Vorkosigan, a perfect match for the first, to absorb assassins' blows. Or to serve as a repository for the original's brain, if luck goes sour. All sorts of uses even for a twisted, hobbling thing like him.

And that's what makes him agree. Not trust. Not understanding. Not inspiration. Just a mean, twisted, perverse little instinct - and a fear. A terror of the wide open future. He'll find a use for me. It'll be horrible. But what else am I good for? What other purpose do I have? ]

Fine. How is this done?

[Miles's brother is imagining Gregor finding a use for him, as if that's foremost in Gregor's thoughts. His heart lurches with this agreement, like freefall rushing on him all at once, gut jumping up to his throat, because he understands the magnitude of what this agreement will mean in a way that the one swearing does not. He thinks it's all advantage for Gregor, that this is unequal.

But Gregor had been groomed to reign by a man afraid he would grow into someone too comfortable with his power, with no sense of responsibility to check it, and so he has, if anything, an overabundance of it. An active fear that he will misuse it. And so he feels here: he is taking on another weight, another link in the Imperium, but this one he is doing very personally, very deliberately, a weight he is placing on his own shoulders. He'd practically manipulated him into it and he makes no mistake about that. Hadn't even told Miles his intent, hadn't spoken to either of Miles's brother's parents first.

This is all on him. His fate from here forward is Gregor's to ensure or fail. He stands, slowly, everything about him cast in somber responsibility, a man who is not well-represented on vids; all of his gravitas is in person, stifling the air.]

Tell me if there is a name you wish to take, or if you will decide it later. Kneel, and put your hands between mine.

[I don't know what I'm agreeing to, either. You could be anyone. You could hurt me very badly by this going sour, do you know that? Not physically, but mentally. To feel your anguish at being tied to me every day would be... an exquisite torture. I think I really would go mad, listening to you think me a monster at every moment. Because I would start to think it must be true.

You think this is all you taking a leap. I am right there at the cliff with you. Please prove me right. I must do this, for you, for Miles, for Count and Countess Vorkosigan who are all owed so much from me, even moreso than you, if you can fathom that.

Jump with me.]

[ What a cruel joke, making me kneel, his mind jabbers at him. Barrayar had made him small, diminished him, quite literally, without him ever having set foot on it. And now he's swearing allegiance to that accursed, corrupt world of monsters and warlords and butchers. He's becoming one of them. No torture necessary. Just a few words.

When Galen comes, and he kills me, and he does it horribly, you'll feel it, Emperor Gregor. All of this is my revenge. That's mine on you.

But he struggles out of the chair. He's doing this. He's not backing out now. And yet he answers him - ]

I don't have a name.

[ It would have been perversely funny, demanding to be sworn in as Miles Naismith Vorkosigan - or how about Piotr Miles...But he doesn't quite have the stomach for that humor. So instead he just kneels. And lifts his hands. This is a mistake, this is a mistake, this is a mistake... ]

[If there is one thing Gregor will take pleasure in in this whole farcical affair, it's getting to prove his fears wrong. There is nothing, in fact, to fear from Gregor at all. He is quite the simplest to face of all the Barrayarans here.

It saddens him but does not surprise him to hear him nameless. He knows Miles had tried to convince him of Mark Pierre, but Gregor is committed to his earlier avowal that he would not push him to be anyone, not even a Vorkosigan. He can be Gregor's vassal first and figure out all the rest later, at his own leisure, a gift Gregor has always wanted to give for never having had it himself.

He widens the link to Miles enough just to shoot off one thought, in discrete, clipped packets: You're going to feel something from me, but for God's sake, Miles, stay in the kitchen. This is very delicate and it is going exactly the way I want.

That done, he gently encapsulates the man's hands with his own, like he's holding a scared bird between them. This oath is one he'll have to make up on the fly, unique as it is, but he doesn't hesitate, the words steady and smooth.]

Very well. Repeat after me: I swear the obedience and loyalty of a liegeman directly to Gregor Vorbarra, Emperor of the Barrayaran Imperium, in all sincerity and faith. I further pledge not to harm any of his other liege-sworn, excepting in self-defense, and that I claim all rights and privileges owed any Barrayaran subject, henceforth.

[ Kill him now. Step up, grab the wrist. Step behind. Arm around throat, pressing at the arteries, cutting off the supply of blood to the brain until unconsciousness. Then beyond unconsciousness. Stop it. ]

I swear...

[ His tongue catches on the dry roof of his mouth. But if there's anything he's good at, it's mindless repetition. Echoing so many holovids, mimicking the least cadence and turn of phrase. After that first hiccup, it's not even hard to do. He just shuts off his brain and mimics - and it will sound uncanny, perhaps, how precisely he repeats after the Emperor.

When he's done, he looks up, waiting for more. That's not it, he's sure. There's more. Shedding of blood. Something. Right? ]

[It is uncanny, and further disturbing, and he will remember it later but he has no time to think on it now.

Gregor says nothing: the lock of a bound oath clicks over heavy and solid in his mind-- ah, so it was sincere after all, for all that blank repetition. He feels the link blossom in his mind, each petal unfurling one by one and equally slowly he sinks down to his knees without releasing his hands. With this done, with his safety net in place, he can dispense with all the lies and traps. He can be honest.

He lets out a shaky breath, feeling like he'd just sprinted for ten minutes straight, and lets Miles's brother get his first feel of Gregor's mind. He reaches out with light tendrils of sadness, of acceptance, of curiosity for who he is. But most of all he lets him feel his basic altruism, that intense aversion for violence and cruelty, his bone-deep loathing for atrocity, his wistfulness that he could change someone's life for the better.

That he sees him in front of him, eye to eye, and receives him.]

[ The clone jerks back physically at that first feeling of - of what? A touch, feather light, like someone ruffling his hair, not that he's ever had his hair ruffled. And then it gets stronger. An alien presence in his mind. Warmth, and - and peace, and all sorts of heavy slow emotions. And sadness, and - and a mixture that's foreign, that's...There's an abortive gesture, an attempt to pull his hands from the Emperor's.

Because the mind of the man who is not Miles Naismith Vorkosigan is a pulsating trap of fear. He's afraid of Gregor. He's afraid of his progenitor - more than anyone else, more than anyone else, of his progenitor, of the superior model who holds the key to his every failure and with those failures his suffering. He's afraid of Barrayar itself, the planet that isn't represented in his mind as plants and skies and waters but as a series of blueprints with the passageways that would allow someone to slip into locked rooms at night highlighted and memorized. He's afraid of this world. He's afraid of all the unfamiliar people. He's afraid to go back. He's afraid of the consequences of taking this oath. A traitor, just like Galen had suspected in his most paranoid moments, in his ravings - and even as the clone swore his loyalty, his devotion to the cause, he'd snarled about the genetics of Aral Vorkosigan, and he'd...

The clone is afraid of his bedroom, with its locking door, because he doesn't believe it's real. He's afraid of the outside. He's afraid of the inside. There is no part of him that is not a taut string of fear, an all-consuming gnawing beast that boils forth the moment Gregor touches his mind. And anger, too. Hatred, powerful black hatred, of Komarr and Jackson's Whole and Barrayar. But hatred twisted up again in fear, impossible to separate from all of that. Simmering and toxic. And hatred of Vorkosigan, hatred from every surgery, hatred from every lesson, every holovid, every single strike of the shock-stick when he failed.

And yet. And yet under that. A desperation. A desperation that swirls around shapeless things. Things that aren't quite distinct enough, clear enough, to be labeled, but that feel like brothers and names and belonging and help. They're protected, somehow, from the terror and the rage. They're sheltered. ]

[It overwhelms him at first, like being plunged into unrelenting blackness, utter blindness and fear of what's around you, swelling paranoia nearly overtaking him... close enough to his own mental habits, but so different in character...

Gregor hastily tries to force the link to Miles even further closed, but he can't quite manage it; it strains and creaks to whittle down to faint tremors of his brother's mind, the reverberations as contained as he can manage it. That done as well as he can, Gregor musters himself, draws on that forge deep down in his soul beneath all the water and aimless floating and pulls up a piece of molten iron.

His solid will and determination to be true Emperor and all that comes with it: protection, caring, dispensed as streams of cool water over to Miles's brother as well as he can. He can't hide that he thinks of him that way. He can't hide either how wrenchingly sad he is for him, for all that he feels from him, the flashes of memories he gets already until he learns how to contain his mind. It's nothing like pity; it's just the quiet sorrow that has chased him all his days, amplified in reflection.

You're right to hate all of that, he whispers at him. The universe is owed your hate. But you don't need to be afraid. It will be all right. You'll see. I won't let anyone harm you here, not even Miles, and they will listen to me.

Though he can't manage to suppress his absolute faith in Miles, really, that he wouldn't want to harm him in the first place, his pledge stands.]

[ He'd been afraid of the part of this Deal that was pledging his loyalty. He'd been wrong. That wasn't the part to be scared of...This. This was the part to be scared of.

Because - because those streams of compassion and kindness...They ought to be soothing, but for him it's like pouring water into an open wound. Compassion, sadness - In a way, outright pity would have been easier, because that would have allowed him to rage against the Emperor and his condescension. But these quieter emotions, he can't outright reject. And so they work into his mind, and far from soothing them, they provide a painful, wrenching contrast.

Because the clone has at least lived with consistency. Fear - of the next surgery, of when they'd come for him, of the start of his day, of the next explosion of rage - is constant background noise for him. And background noise can get filtered out - until it's turned off, or until someone points it out to you. Then you start hearing it again. The anger, too - though anger is less horrible to feel than the fear, because anger at least comes with some pleasure, a rush of adrenaline and passion, and sometimes it comes with rewards. Anger is safe. If you exceed the rhetoric about the evil of the Vorkosigans, of Barrayar, of the occupation of Komarr, then sometimes it earns you a smile, approval. And you're hungry for that. Even though you know it's nothing, even if you know that he only cares as a means to an end, even if you hate him, you want him to be pleased. Well done, Miles. Very clever, Miles. But that cool, distant melancholy that's all too intimate now...God. It robs him even of the pleasure of hatred. It makes it feel like a weak coping mechanism for a frightened boy.

And...And the sadness that Gregor feels. Over his memories. He's not supposed to feel sad at what he sees there. He's supposed to feel frightened. He's supposed to quail at the deviousness of their plot. He's supposed to feel relief that the clone decided to defect rather than go through with it. He's not supposed to feel sorrow. If he looks at that, and all he feels is sad, then what...What was it all for?

(The clone again weakly tries to pull away. Involuntarily, three ways he could kill Gregor from this position flash through his mind.)

And that promise. I won't let anyone harm you. It doesn't comfort him. Instead, it makes his chest and throat tighten in panic. His breathing starts to come quicker and shallower as those words penetrate, and he has to shove them from his consciousness. He can't even consider them. And he doesn't even know why.

He tries to crush down all his emotions. Every single one. He tries to suppress all the fear and anger and leave nothing but a businesslike mental space. Bare of feeling. And he sends a clipped message in return. You want me to kill the Komarrans, right? ]

[Right. That was stupid of him, wasn't it... but his urge for compassion overtook his good sense, and Gregor feels a flicker of regret as he withdraws, physically retracting his hands and sitting back on the floor, mentally narrowing the link on his end to a more manageable, conversational level. He remembers how he and Miles had felt the first time they'd opened it that wide-- subsumed, and averse to it. It really was a lot all at once, and Gregor should know himself that that first touch of kindness after so long without can kill as surely as the lack of it.

So he doesn't protest, though the man trying to forcefully crush all of his emotions does worry him. Gregor doesn't show them, but he very rarely tries to get rid of them wholesale.

No. For one, they're not here. For another, I wouldn't assign that task to you anyway. Asking you to kill someone you know is... heartless. And, clearly, Gregor is anything but that; his roiling discomfort with ordering death at all is sharp as a bell through him right now, though, too, there is a matching practical submission to it. Sometimes it is necessary and he knows it. But-- not here. None of that is here.

For now, put all of that business aside. I'd like to show you how to close the link on your end. You can control it independently of me, though it may take you a bit to get a handle on it. You may shut it off entirely, forever, if you like, though it is my... hope that you will leave it a little open so I may hear if you are distressed.

Again, more of that honesty, as unassuming and undeniable as the sea itself. Gregor slips it lightly down the corridor to his mind, trying to impress on him that much, at least. No more lies from him.]

[ That's something. That offer to complete a task. It would have been best if there had been some job, some request - some demand, even. It would have made Gregor less terrifying and strange if all of this had been drawing the clone (Mark Pierre) into being his servant. A neat little reversal, a nice revenge, using all these soft words and appeals to simply take a weapon, make it his, and turn it back on its creators. It would have been respectable, even. The clone would have respected it, even as it destroyed him. Returning a thermonuclear payload undetonated, boom, the work of a savvy manipulator.

It has to be in there, right? His ill intent. His desire to eliminate his enemies. It must be somewhere, deep in his mind. With sudden ruthlessness, the clone pushes his consciousness forward, searching - rummaging through all the memories and thoughts he can find to unearth evidence of the Emperor's depravity. His hard pragmatism. It's good that Gregor has limited the link, because it in turn limit's the clone's reach - he can't roam freely through all of Gregor's mind, but instead just find the things on the surface, like a man reaching through a narrow gap - only able to grasp what's close at hand. But he doesn't ask permission.

But nor does he hurt. That's not the goal. There's no fury directed at Gregor. There's no desire to tear him apart - to find things to injure him with, or to uproot his personality. It's just a scrabble to find where he's lying, how he's lying. A grasping attempt to uncover the plans for this clone. ]

Edited 2016-01-24 16:03 (UTC)

[He finds it telling that he doesn't hurt him with this, what Gregor sees as a very reasonable need for confirmation of intent from his new master. He'd learned early that he'd never get anywhere by denying what he is to some; denying his power over them was an insult.

Gregor helps him instead. He can feel what he's after, and wordlessly, he widens the link again, just a little. He presents his lies to him: that he'd never believed for a moment Naismith wasn't Miles Vorkosigan; that they'd been coordinating their plans and deception via their own mindlink; that his oaths were now unbreakable and he couldn't attack any of them even if he wanted to, unless defending himself. And here is his pragmatism, how his lies had been a contingency plan in case he couldn't convince him or he couldn't trust him. He admits too to some traces of pride and satisfaction at having dismantled the plot with words alone-- as Miles's brother had put it, a warhead disabled, but not turned against anyone, no. Just disabled.

He gives them all in a neat row without protest. Immediately after, he presents the next thing, his plans for his newest liege-sworn: that, hopefully, he find some peace here. That he's able to redefine for himself who he is. That he meet Miles and his parents properly, and come to terms with them (laced with an orphan's incomprehensible need to find family, his desire to see everyone else's whole and steady). Gregor is quiet and sincere and unafraid.

As long as he means him no malice, all he has to do is ask, and Gregor will show him what he wants. Though if he digs too hard looking specifically for depravity, he will find only old, old ghosts, nauseated abhorrence, creeping fears that he would one day own that title...]

[ He does try for malice. Once or twice. The thought of family, of the Butcher of Komarr and his evil wife and their son who had to be small and broken and ugly...It raises too toxic and mysterious a cocktail of emotions in him. For that moment, he pushes back, and pushing back means using the only defenses he knows: anger and hatred. But his hatred of the Emperor feels...It suddenly feels toothless. Warmongering feels like a pointless slander in response to the deep distress that's palpable, the memories of averting that war. Vicious - no. Useless depressive is a little closer to the truth, maybe, but that wasn't one of the more popular slanders the clone had heard from the Komarran. All of it had always centered on his viciousness, his puppeteering by the warmongering Butcher. His weakness. His probable distraction due to his own...

The clone passes over those fears briefly. He feels that dread. And he simultaneously...He wants to shrink away from them. But he also wants to look at them. Not to use them as a weapon, not to exploit them. But because he wants to see what they look like. The clone's genes come half from the Butcher. The Emperor's are half from the pervert and sadist Prince Serg. Are this man's fears...When he lets himself be afraid, how many of the Emperor's fears look like his own?

None. He doesn't know what you went through. The pain of becoming Miles... But there's more to the clone than just that pain. There are other fears. More primal ones. In the end, he doesn't pull those memories apart. He lets them alone.

But the search slows. It becomes less urgent and frenzied. The brief bubbles of pride, of deception, calm the clone. It reassures him that maybe - possibly - there really isn't anything being hidden. No one in the entire galaxy is good. It's only once they admit the ways in which they're awful that maybe you can start to trust them. A little. ]

[Once again, Gregor is disinclined to try to combat that deep-seated prejudice against "the Butcher of Komarr", however much it saddens him. That anger and hate makes him wince, but he lets it wash over him, and soon enough it dissipates on its own. Hearing his own public slander brought up actually sends a brief pulse of amusement through him-- Gregor's heard all these before, could suggest some few himself-- but he's letting Miles's brother direct this, and remains passive.

Gregor is relieved that he shies from opening up his fears of being like Serg, because he's not sure he could contain his instinct to balk at that. Openness is one thing, but the whole process is painful for Gregor. His innate desire for privacy is strong and abiding and he's had to choke it down for this whole process, though it's held back efficiently by his pure desire to convince him of his good intentions.

He's further relieved that he's told him now that the oaths are unbreakable, and he'd accepted it without complaint; one thing off his list of responsibilities to do later. (Though it does bother him that he would accept being coerced into an unbreakable oath as if it were his due... That's a sour taste, right there.)

Are you done? he asks, soft, a genuine question. I can't lie to you, like this. So if there's anything else you'd like to know...]

[ How can I be sure? That's a last desperate grasp at rejection. It's shaky. Even so, he still grasps at it, needily. He doesn't know how this psychic link works. Maybe lying is possible. There are always new ways to lie, aren't there? Lying through a mental link would be a new one, but...

He subsides. Instead, he sends to Gregor - his anger hot and pure and honest rather than the aching pulsing hatred - Stop feeling sad. Because he can sense that, some new flash of pity in the back of Gregor's mind, another thing that the Emperor has found pathetic. He focuses fiercely, for just a moment, on all the things that he has to be proud of: getting off Jackson's Whole; excelling in his studies - never good enough, no, but always good; his success in tracking Vorkosigan, figuring out the Naismith connection; his physical aptitude; his ability to think. He packages all that defiant pride and shoves it at Gregor. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't you dare.

And then he's ready. ]

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