jacksonian: (gun-wielding (neutral))
Mark Pierre Vorkosigan / "Peter Kane" ([personal profile] jacksonian) wrote in [community profile] barrayar2016-01-22 09:49 pm

I am junking up this beautiful community with this junk

All the other starters are so beautiful but instead I'm coming in and ruining everything with this useless post with this sad sack
Comment to this post and I will write you something
vorbarra: (ether-bunny21)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 05:15 am (UTC)(link)
[It is uncanny, and further disturbing, and he will remember it later but he has no time to think on it now.

Gregor says nothing: the lock of a bound oath clicks over heavy and solid in his mind-- ah, so it was sincere after all, for all that blank repetition. He feels the link blossom in his mind, each petal unfurling one by one and equally slowly he sinks down to his knees without releasing his hands. With this done, with his safety net in place, he can dispense with all the lies and traps. He can be honest.

He lets out a shaky breath, feeling like he'd just sprinted for ten minutes straight, and lets Miles's brother get his first feel of Gregor's mind. He reaches out with light tendrils of sadness, of acceptance, of curiosity for who he is. But most of all he lets him feel his basic altruism, that intense aversion for violence and cruelty, his bone-deep loathing for atrocity, his wistfulness that he could change someone's life for the better.

That he sees him in front of him, eye to eye, and receives him.]
vorbarra: (icon-crack01)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 05:38 am (UTC)(link)
[It overwhelms him at first, like being plunged into unrelenting blackness, utter blindness and fear of what's around you, swelling paranoia nearly overtaking him... close enough to his own mental habits, but so different in character...

Gregor hastily tries to force the link to Miles even further closed, but he can't quite manage it; it strains and creaks to whittle down to faint tremors of his brother's mind, the reverberations as contained as he can manage it. That done as well as he can, Gregor musters himself, draws on that forge deep down in his soul beneath all the water and aimless floating and pulls up a piece of molten iron.

His solid will and determination to be true Emperor and all that comes with it: protection, caring, dispensed as streams of cool water over to Miles's brother as well as he can. He can't hide that he thinks of him that way. He can't hide either how wrenchingly sad he is for him, for all that he feels from him, the flashes of memories he gets already until he learns how to contain his mind. It's nothing like pity; it's just the quiet sorrow that has chased him all his days, amplified in reflection.

You're right to hate all of that, he whispers at him. The universe is owed your hate. But you don't need to be afraid. It will be all right. You'll see. I won't let anyone harm you here, not even Miles, and they will listen to me.

Though he can't manage to suppress his absolute faith in Miles, really, that he wouldn't want to harm him in the first place, his pledge stands.]
vorbarra: (ether-bunny08)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 03:49 pm (UTC)(link)
[Right. That was stupid of him, wasn't it... but his urge for compassion overtook his good sense, and Gregor feels a flicker of regret as he withdraws, physically retracting his hands and sitting back on the floor, mentally narrowing the link on his end to a more manageable, conversational level. He remembers how he and Miles had felt the first time they'd opened it that wide-- subsumed, and averse to it. It really was a lot all at once, and Gregor should know himself that that first touch of kindness after so long without can kill as surely as the lack of it.

So he doesn't protest, though the man trying to forcefully crush all of his emotions does worry him. Gregor doesn't show them, but he very rarely tries to get rid of them wholesale.

No. For one, they're not here. For another, I wouldn't assign that task to you anyway. Asking you to kill someone you know is... heartless. And, clearly, Gregor is anything but that; his roiling discomfort with ordering death at all is sharp as a bell through him right now, though, too, there is a matching practical submission to it. Sometimes it is necessary and he knows it. But-- not here. None of that is here.

For now, put all of that business aside. I'd like to show you how to close the link on your end. You can control it independently of me, though it may take you a bit to get a handle on it. You may shut it off entirely, forever, if you like, though it is my... hope that you will leave it a little open so I may hear if you are distressed.

Again, more of that honesty, as unassuming and undeniable as the sea itself. Gregor slips it lightly down the corridor to his mind, trying to impress on him that much, at least. No more lies from him.]
vorbarra: (icon-crack14)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 04:18 pm (UTC)(link)
[He finds it telling that he doesn't hurt him with this, what Gregor sees as a very reasonable need for confirmation of intent from his new master. He'd learned early that he'd never get anywhere by denying what he is to some; denying his power over them was an insult.

Gregor helps him instead. He can feel what he's after, and wordlessly, he widens the link again, just a little. He presents his lies to him: that he'd never believed for a moment Naismith wasn't Miles Vorkosigan; that they'd been coordinating their plans and deception via their own mindlink; that his oaths were now unbreakable and he couldn't attack any of them even if he wanted to, unless defending himself. And here is his pragmatism, how his lies had been a contingency plan in case he couldn't convince him or he couldn't trust him. He admits too to some traces of pride and satisfaction at having dismantled the plot with words alone-- as Miles's brother had put it, a warhead disabled, but not turned against anyone, no. Just disabled.

He gives them all in a neat row without protest. Immediately after, he presents the next thing, his plans for his newest liege-sworn: that, hopefully, he find some peace here. That he's able to redefine for himself who he is. That he meet Miles and his parents properly, and come to terms with them (laced with an orphan's incomprehensible need to find family, his desire to see everyone else's whole and steady). Gregor is quiet and sincere and unafraid.

As long as he means him no malice, all he has to do is ask, and Gregor will show him what he wants. Though if he digs too hard looking specifically for depravity, he will find only old, old ghosts, nauseated abhorrence, creeping fears that he would one day own that title...]
vorbarra: (ether-bunny12)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 04:50 pm (UTC)(link)
[Once again, Gregor is disinclined to try to combat that deep-seated prejudice against "the Butcher of Komarr", however much it saddens him. That anger and hate makes him wince, but he lets it wash over him, and soon enough it dissipates on its own. Hearing his own public slander brought up actually sends a brief pulse of amusement through him-- Gregor's heard all these before, could suggest some few himself-- but he's letting Miles's brother direct this, and remains passive.

Gregor is relieved that he shies from opening up his fears of being like Serg, because he's not sure he could contain his instinct to balk at that. Openness is one thing, but the whole process is painful for Gregor. His innate desire for privacy is strong and abiding and he's had to choke it down for this whole process, though it's held back efficiently by his pure desire to convince him of his good intentions.

He's further relieved that he's told him now that the oaths are unbreakable, and he'd accepted it without complaint; one thing off his list of responsibilities to do later. (Though it does bother him that he would accept being coerced into an unbreakable oath as if it were his due... That's a sour taste, right there.)

Are you done? he asks, soft, a genuine question. I can't lie to you, like this. So if there's anything else you'd like to know...]
vorbarra: (ether-bunny25)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 05:18 pm (UTC)(link)
[Being told to just stop feeling sad is not that easy, but-- feeling that pride...

Something unfolds in him, golden light filtering through deep water, Gregor smiling. The very first traces of affection taking root. You're right; I'm sorry. I'm proud to have you, honestly. It's a real coup, me getting you. With the emphasis comes the solid surety that he means him specifically, not just neutralizing any threat but that he gets him, an appreciation for who he is and what he's survived and how strong he is.

Pride matched and reflected.

But, alright. Showing him how to control the link. Watch, now. And Gregor pushes at him a sense of a valve opening and closing, or a door, whichever he prefers, creaking or slamming open in whatever extremity he likes. Visualization helps.]
vorbarra: (hollow-art03)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 05:40 pm (UTC)(link)
[The door slamming shut gets him to wince again, his fingers clenching; Gregor has to suppress the urge to shake them out like they're smarting, though of course it isn't physical. But really, what else had he been expecting... He's glad he caught onto it that quickly, at least. Not nearly as tough as he and Miles are starting to find it, when all of their instincts want it open.

In the absence of mental stimulus, he opens his eyes again. Seeing him huddled against the chair panting sends another course of sadness washing through him, Gregor unable to help himself. But when the door eases open just a crack as if to peek in, there's something else there tempering it, too. Real satisfaction that he's pulled this off, that he's managed to get him under his wing, because he does want him, for a thousand complicated reasons that ultimately boil down to just wanting him close and safe and under his mantle.

Gregor loves nothing more than getting to use being Emperor for something good. He can use this for more than just being a puppet, and it is viciously vindicating. So he waits patiently for... Mark? to find some amount of stability. He of anyone understands the need to reassure yourself that affection is not empty flattery.]
Edited 2016-01-24 17:42 (UTC)
vorbarra: (baobabble13)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 06:04 pm (UTC)(link)
[You could, Gregor agrees. I'm not a minder. God forbid. He'd hate that, and frankly, no one would hate it more than Miles, so he's not surprised to see it here either. Gregor is really mostly hands off and he prefers it that way.

But how to explain loyalty to a Jacksonian... Ah, of course. He doesn't have to. This mind link really is useful that way.

He retrieves that piece of molten iron he'd drawn up from himself and rather than letting it sit in the background as he has so far, he brings it forward, front and center: Gregor's unthinking, unquestioning need to protect and shelter but never smother, to let others go, to keep their leashes slack in his hand as much as he possibly can.

I'll look out for you because I'm on your side, not because you need it. Ideally, that should be mutual, but don't pressure yourself. I had an idea what I was getting into. Here in his head he can't hide that dry humor underlining his words.]
vorbarra: (ether-bunny16)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 06:26 pm (UTC)(link)
[Gregor is plenty curious himself, intensely curious, actually, because this is still a clone of Miles and for all that makes him his own person and he is very firm on that, he looks just like him. He has the same genes. He is, if nothing else, another son of Aral and Cordelia, and Gregor has a weak spot a kilometer wide for Vorkosigans.

He waits again for him to creep back to the connection, not commenting until he does first. It provokes a ringing, remembered bitterness out of him (oh yes, Gregor has hated it very much, in the past) but shortly thereafter a soft wonder, a tentative acceptance.

I used to do it because of everyone who'd died and sacrificed to put me on the throne, and how many more would if I didn't. Quick flashes: his mother, his father, his grandfather, so many in Aral's family and others from Mad Emperor Yuri, Negri, the peasants in the Dendarii mountains who'd sheltered him as a child, all of his Armsmen, Aral and Cordelia and Miles themselves, starkly outlined in his mind. The list goes on, on, on, Gregor's sense of weight huge-- and then it vanishes, washed away by the tide.

But that's not a good motivation. It gets you up in the morning, but it doesn't get you forward. No. I do it now because... I do have power, and I can either squander it or use it. I choose to use it in a way I can live with.

Plus, it's bloody hard not to, with Miles blasting faith in him directly into his head. If anything's going to give you a shot of confidence...]
vorbarra: (ether-bunny20)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 06:42 pm (UTC)(link)
[Gregor unwittingly flashes him a hundred images of ImpSec dogging him every step of his life, from age four onward, never allowed alone in a room without someone outside the door. He had felt very much like a prisoner. But Gregor doesn't want to get into comparing pasts either. That is bound to be unconstructive.

He says instead, with self-deprecating humor, I did run away. But I went back, on my own terms.

A pause, before he adds carefully, And if you don't want to take on that name-- if you'd rather not be a Vorkosigan-- I will insist to them personally that they not pressure you about it. If that is your wish. Because Gregor is committed, truly, to endorsing his bid to define himself.]
vorbarra: (ether-bunny63)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 07:05 pm (UTC)(link)
[Maybe evading this fear is not the right way to do it. Because he understands at least that fear of being an embarrassment-- he and Miles both have it in spades, fear of not living up to that same man, but the ones he feels traces of now have new meaning, enveloped and smothered in fears potent and edged enough to eviscerate.

The best thing for it might be to discredit it entirely, with proof. Gregor is suddenly uncertain about the wisdom of dumping him off with Miles and a blithe play nice, now and trotting off, job well done.

You don't feel very programmed to me, he shoots back, a darkness around that thought at the idea of programming anyone. But you are misunderstanding the Vorkosigans very badly.

Here. Stay back and quiet and I will show you. Miles is probably gnawing through a tea towel in worry-- I can feel him fluttering in there-- but just listen in for a moment and I'll prove it to you. You be the eavesdropper for once, eh?
]
vorbarra: (ether-bunny30)

[personal profile] vorbarra 2016-01-24 07:27 pm (UTC)(link)
[Gregor hadn't anticipated the unbreakable oath being a point of reassurance and some buried lingering guilt falls apart in relief. That's okay, then. He still has a kneejerk distaste for the whole word programming, for conditioning anyone, but admittedly he doesn't know how it works. He's never allowed it and never will.

Instead he focuses, his faith in Miles bubbling up, a nice, easy, comfortable thing. When Gregor goes to widen his link to him, it springs open, all the sustained tension of being contracted released at once. He leads in with reassurance and apology, prepared; he feeds it to him directly, Miles's brother kept far back in his mind somewhere out in the murky depths.

Miles, I know you're going crazy in there, and I'm sorry, but bear with me a little longer. It's all fine and no one's been hurt. I just need to ask you for a favor.]
dendarii: (frakkingcylon 167)

[personal profile] dendarii 2016-01-24 07:35 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Fluttering was a good word for it - Miles is like a butterfly in a bottle here, beating his wings uselessly against the solid wall on the other side of his link. Utter relief as soon as it pops open, even as he immediately checks for damages. No pain, okay. That's a start.

Gregor! What the hell are you doing in there? The relief mixes with worry, bright probing rays of light that would be scorching under the wrong circumstances. Are you okay? Is my brother okay? Because while the first flare of brilliant worry is for Gregor, first and foremost, he's worried about his little brother too, dammit. In the short time he's come to know the man, he's already steadily dedicated to getting him some kind of peace. Another undercurrent too, a sense of not sure which way to turn. Should he be Vorkosigan? Naismith? Neither?

It all comes over in a rush, nearly overwhelming if one isn't used to it. Miles doesn't do well with being cooped up. He's worn little pacing grooves in his mind just in the last fifteen minutes or so. ]

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