Admiral Lord Aral Vorkosigan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
use_everything) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
barrayar2016-08-28 01:54 pm
use_everything) wrote in barrayar2016-08-28 01:54 pm
Post MoM AU, general post
And then one day, it was over.
The memory of how it happened was hazy. Perhaps it was as simple as being ported out, perhaps there was a great experiment, bringing together physicists, chemists, alchemists and scientists to get something WORKING. But like the memories of that time, that other dimension, singular events come and go, like a dream, or an age past.
From the very start, however, there were changes.
The memory of how it happened was hazy. Perhaps it was as simple as being ported out, perhaps there was a great experiment, bringing together physicists, chemists, alchemists and scientists to get something WORKING. But like the memories of that time, that other dimension, singular events come and go, like a dream, or an age past.
From the very start, however, there were changes.
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His hands tighten on his glass and he breaks eye contact, remembering some of those moments cuddling in bed himself. That seems simultaneously a long time ago and just yesterday, but the prevailing memories of this lifetime win out and it ends up making him feel shy. Gregor is so very far from feeling like anyone would want to cuddle in bed with him that didn't just want to be Empress... Of course, the whole idea of Miles as Empress is laughable. But he doesn't know where to begin with it either. ]
There's a few differences, [ he agrees slowly. ] I think it was kinder to... give me the links without all my preceding dread of that very reality. I'm accustomed to them now. [ With the occasional migraine and after years of debilitating issues, but nonetheless this is an easier topic than the elephant in the room. ]
And I never had you brought up for treason, [ he adds, abrupt. ] Good God, I just remembered that. That's one improvement.
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Oh god, you're right. [ He's still laughing kind of breathlessly even while he talks. ] It - feels so strange to even picture you doing that. Because you knew what was going on. All you had to do was reach out.
[ The links mostly don't work over distances measures in light years ... save a few notable exceptions. ]
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Yes, I do, [ he says, quiet-toned, mood shifting. He can't sustain even that sort of light-heartedness with his mind weighing so heavily. His nerves prickle up and overwhelm him, claustrophobic, and words tumble out of his mouth, stilted and halting. ] I-- want you to know that I won't take our... new, surreal history... as reason to press anything on you. We needn't change anything. I know how important your promotion is to you.
[ What he's saying feels remote, like it's coming from a long way off. He barely hears it, is just stiflingly concerned that Miles will think he's pressured in any way. Hell, Gregor feels pressured. He's dealt with a lot of his issues in De Chima, but that seems like a bizarre dream half the time and finding out about his father is still so recent for him. It's a whole fresh set of nightmares he's barely confronted.
He stares at his own hands wrapped around his untouched drink, feeling restlessly anxious and bleak. ]
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It's a precipice that Miles has to deal with. Fortunate, then, that he knows just what to do with them. Taking a deep breath, he makes himself look up at Gregor's expression if not directly in the eye. Gently, ever so gently, he reaches to place his hand over Gregor's. ]
And if I wanted that to change? If I wanted to keep - [ Gregor, their relationship, the sex, the love-- ] all of it?
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I don't know if we can keep all of it, [ says in a strangled tone. A million practical objections rise up and stick in his throat, and he can't move. ] For some reason they don't let me go live in an elaborate manor in the woods and buy you a horse without asking questions.
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Oh, Penny. I'm going to miss her. And our lovely little house in the woods. And - sharing a bed with you. Hell, I'd even take sneaking under the door every night.
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I don't want you to be my dirty secret, but I don't... [ Gregor falters. His power is so new to him, and however unfaltering he seems from the outside it feels like a precarious balancing act at all times. ] I don't have the first clue how to go about it here, [ he confesses, finally. Being honest with Miles is too ingrained in him by now to hide the truth. ]
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You could start by kissing me.
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He hasn't had his experiences with Kitty here, not more than part of the dream, and so he's scared, doesn't trust himself or how he'll react. But how he feels for Miles seems to go deeper than memory, seems to be embedded in his bones, chasing him all his life and waiting for him to realize it was there. Trust... He doesn't have to trust himself; he trusts Miles, indelibly.
But, as always, Gregor is too self-controlled to give himself over to abandon that easily. He reins himself in. ] If I start, I won't be able to stop, [ he says frankly, although that's not true. It would just be excruciating to have something and then not have it again. ] You have to-- to be sure, Miles. That you want to deal with this whole mess, all of this. [ Gregor and his issues and Barrayar. And learning how to be together in a wholly new capacity. ]
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Is he sure? Really, really sure? This is a change that could easily end up with him dead. Hell, it's a change that could easily cost him the Dendarii. And perhaps most importantly, it's a change that will almost certainly keep him on Barrayar much more frequently. There are good reasons for him to spend time off planet, not the least of which being their mutual headaches. But ... maybe there are ways past those things too. Maybe he can have Naismith and still be Gregor's.
He keeps having to swallow. Sooner or later he's going to need wine or something lest he dry out completely. ]
I'm sure. [ The words come out in a rush. ] I don't know how we're going to deal with all of it. Not right now. But dammit, I want to try. [ Smaller, softer. ] Is that enough?
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Not right now but I want to try is... exactly how he feels, besides. He lets out a shaky breath and wonders, in the insanity of all this, what he'd ever done to get this unbelievably lucky.
In an air of relieved confession, ] I don't know if I could take any more than that. [ He's frightened, too, staring at the scope of what lies before them and trying not to balk. Miles is easy-- just Miles himself. It's all the rest that is too much. In direct contrast to everyone else's opinion of Miles...
Gregor shifts his chair to orient out away from the table, and holds his hands out. ] I know I've been in your head a thousand times by now, but can we--
[ He stops, suddenly sure Miles must be feeling a similar, insistent itch, like ants crawling along his skin incessantly until he fulfills the urge. They really are too codependent now, mentally. He doesn't care. He doesn't know how he's existed all the time without Miles in his head perpetually. They've been close at times, but nothing like what they'd had on Earth. ]
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He reaches out to put his hands between Gregor's own. Without saying another word, he simply opens his link to Gregor. It's true, they've done this a thousand times, but - this is different. They'd never gone to the lengths they had back on Earth. Steady friendship, not this fierce (and terrifying and wonderful) codependency. He should probably be more scared of stepping off this particular precipice. He decides that he doesn't care. ]
Please, Gregor. I need you.
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He doesn't have the first clue how they're going to manage this either. He does detest the idea of hiding Miles; he's scared, more, of stepping too early, of ruining a power base he's only just beginning to feel steady on. He's scared of losing Miles to the stars and of trapping him. He's wary of himself, of his own reactions, has no idea how they'll compare to what they were on Earth and if he'll ever regain the easy physical intimacy he'd found there.
Gregor's skin feels hot. He tries to put it all aside and just focus on Miles, but it's probably no surprise that Gregor's mind is as complex and fraught and multi-layered as ever. In contrast to how he was the first time around, on Earth, it's both more fragile from weathering so much outside onslaught on a constant basis, and sturdier, a weathered strip of sea resilient through storms. He's a deft hand with telepathic functions of all kinds, by necessity. Any of his old uneasiness with it has been long burned away. ]
I love you, [ he says thickly, as the only commentary he can offer. Enhanced by his life here rather than diminished by it. ]
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His own mental landscape is similar yet changed as well. The cliffs are starker, the drops from high to low a little sharper, and the omnipresent sense of an audience in the back of his head has done his self esteem no favors. Piotr's double-edged gifts continue to cut him in this version as it did the first time around. The fears are slightly modified now: fear of his powers being discovered, fear of undermining the Imperium, fear of destroying everything his father (and Gregor) have built. This is another wildly dangerous thing to add to the pile ...
The other noticeable change are Miles' memories, of course. Of everyone affected by the timeline changes, Miles has the most difference between the two sets of memories. Growing up with Tex alone would have guaranteed that, much less the telepathy. (And Bothari is alive, and they're going to rescue Mark--) He's still himself, absolutely, but he has more than a small amount of discrepancies to work through.
But most importantly ... he remembers that golden thread of love between them. It glimmers there now in the bottom of his psyche, dimmed perhaps by recent uncertainty but no less present. He extends a tendril of his own rose gold affection to Gregor as he reaches out to welcome Gregor into his mind. Warm, brilliant sunlight streaming across in all its glorious radiance. Physically, he leans in close to Gregor, his head tipped up towards the taller man's face. ]
I love you too, Gregor. [ The words come out as a murmur, this close. ] God, I love you so much.
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But in private, it has made him more protective, and more frail. He hears everything, knows everything, and it is awful, many times. Every private criticism and bleak thought. He's never come close to considering a romantic relationship with anyone, before Cavilo; had only dallied with one or two ambassadors' daughters purely because he couldn't hear them.
He's sick to death sometimes of knowing too much. But with Miles what he finds is never anything that surprises him, never past what he can stand knowing. The hidden darkness in Miles is all self-inflicted, or another victim of Barrayar. That with his new memories makes him easy to love-- not just easy but necessary.
He kisses him in answer, mouth first and then whole body following, sliding out of his chair and half-crouched to meet him at his level. A thousand half-formed memories flow through him of kneeling, of sitting on counters, of picking him up, the ways they deal with the height difference easy as breathing over time. Could he have that again? Could Gregor ever feel so easy with anyone?
He's not sure he would believe it possible with anyone but Miles. That hope cuts him keenly, aches. He's setting himself up for so much vulnerability, not toward Miles but toward the rest of the universe, which could take him away in a thousand different ways.
Gregor is falling off a cliff, hurtling into an abyss... but doesn't he get something for himself? Just this? ]
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(God, the logistics of that are going to be a nightmare. Privacy - choosing guards - all of it -)
Nothing to think about right this second. Not when Gregor is holding him close and kissing the life out of him. Over the link, Miles is just blasting a tangle of need and joy and disbelief in roughly equal portions. Here they are, home on Barrayar, wrapped up in each others' arms. Miles had never really been certain on Earth if they could really make this happen. Now ... it totally can. The only thing standing between them now is an entire Imperium. ]
I love you, Gregor. And I want this more than anything else in the world. [ Said telepathically, as his mouth is thoroughly occupied. ]