I am junking up this beautiful community with this junk

[jacksonian]

All the other starters are so beautiful but instead I'm coming in and ruining everything with this useless post with this sad sack
Comment to this post and I will write you something

Comments

[vorbarra]

[He's riding a fine line here and he knows it. But Gregor thinks he's also getting a handle on him now, with less fumbling-- no more mistakes like flooding him with compassion too soon. Offer choices, but don't push. Assure him that you aren't weak. Assure him that he isn't weak. Retain integrity.

That's what's in Gregor's guidebook to dealing with Miles's brother so far.

You could detach from them completely. I was entirely serious with my weasel-wording about your name when I swore you in. You could pick anything you wanted and deny the relationship. I'd prefer you did that quickly, if so, because it will be torturous to them to have you waffling and then land on that decision, but that's just me. And I'd suggest in that case you got used to them thinking of you as family because I strongly suspect that Miles will not budge on you as his brother, nor Lady Vorkosigan on you as her son.

But I do think they could learn to leave you alone about it and respect your choice if so. You would be just another Barrayaran subject in that case-- not Vor-- sworn to me. I would be the only obligation you had... the only point of attachment.]

[jacksonian]

[ There's a long moment of...silence isn't exactly the name for it. There's noise, general psychic noise and tremors and uncertainty. Nothing distinct, just...nerves. He responds, finally, with a rather strained:

Maybe. Allies are useful. But I don't like the possibility of them thinking they have some hold on me.

In truth, there's a dread of them, of everything. He hates the thought of them coming near to him and smothering him with kisses and generally being horrifically affectionate and false. He hates the thought of them treating him coldly, though, too, because...Because to have a family, but to be second-best, to have them always looking at Miles with approval and him as just the-one-who-isn't-Miles, the shadow, stronger bones but weaker everything else...That fills him with an ache deeper than any other. He couldn't deal with that. It's the safest option.

And yet. Family...Someone looking out for him - There was a time when he'd hungered for that. He doesn't know whether he still does, or whether he managed to kill that stupid, pointless desire... ]

[vorbarra]

[It's so natural for him to think that way, Gregor knows; he's lived and breathed powerlessness. But he has the wrong end of the stick entirely.

Gentle warmth accompanies the thought: It's not that. You have a hold on them. A significant one, no matter what decision you make.]

[jacksonian]

[ He fights that warmth again, just a bit.

Genetics aren't as important as that. ]

[vorbarra]

[Gregor doesn't try to push harder with it, just keeps it there, his honest feelings a quiet susurration of warmth.

Even though they've defined your whole life already? It's no less for anyone else.]

[jacksonian]

[ He pushes back a little harder.

Have they defined your life?

And then, abruptly, the heat drops away to be replaced by shame. He hadn't been thinking of Serg when he'd thrown that thought at Gregor, but Serg comes to mind now. The tales of insanity and depravity...Though maybe those were like tales of the Butcher. Maybe those were exaggerated by Galen for effect. It's not impossible. ]

[vorbarra]

[There's still humor here, but it's dark, morbid, black enough to lose yourself in. Mark has his darkness and Gregor has his own, a pit that's swallowed him before but he's recently crawled out of. He has enough self-control to only show the bare tip of that.

He doesn't need to mention Serg to make his point here. He already feels his shame, doesn't need to grind that in.

I'm an Emperor whose succession is so weak, a clone could threaten it. When I said my life is not my own, I was speaking literally. My death or abdication would mean the death of thousands. I've never had a chance to be anyone else-- I took immense pleasure in offering one to you.]

[jacksonian]

[ He relaxes a little bit when there's no explosion of...of rage or of grief. He doesn't know which would have been worse.

It wouldn't make things any better for you. If I found something. You'd still be just as stuck. ]

[vorbarra]

[Rage and grief are both things Gregor keeps very tightly to himself. All of what he's shown here has been honest, but deliberate, each a step that he judges would further his goals. Honesty, but measured.

Yes, but things are already better for you, aren't they?

A real question.]

[jacksonian]

[ There's again a long pause, emotional noise muffled as he thinks about that. Finally, he gives the honest answer.

I don't know.

Back there, back...He'd had a purpose, and he'd understood his purpose. He'd known what to do. At all times he'd known what to do. And - Yeah. The medical procedures had been torturous. And the discipline he'd had to maintain - the sort of discipline that had been forced on him - had been...It had been hard. And the thought of them coming here, the thought of falling back in with the Komarrans - It fills him with complete terror, and again he's grateful that there's no way it can happen, that self-preservation and that oath will keep him from even being tempted to return. Because if he's found again, it'll be...awful. But -

But are things better? ]

[vorbarra]

[Gregor doesn't take offense at that, just goes quiet, turning it over for a moment.

Then maybe we're asking the wrong question. What do you need to be better? And I'll help you get it.]

[jacksonian]

[ A bubble of dark humor.

If I knew, do you think I'd be sitting here instead of doing something about it? ]

[vorbarra]

[Ha, alright, so he doesn't need Gregor for that. Point taken. Then let's continue.

Your second option is some sort of half-in, half-out limbo. You could admit the familial relationship, but refuse to take the name Vorkosigan. Not a bad option, really, as you get to dodge all the Vor nonsense. Cordelia would give you the name Naismith in a heartbeat if you wanted it-- it's why Miles used it for his cover.

Or you could be just Miles's brother, or just Cordelia's son, or whatever combination you wish if you want to avoid Aral. They're not actually a package deal, any of them. This does, of course, make things emotionally messy.

It's maybe a little telling that when he's speaking of them as a family, Gregor lets himself give up the pretense of formality with their titles.]

[jacksonian]

[ A little curl of uncertainty.

Messy how? Because of jealousy? ]

[vorbarra]

[Well, if he wants the truth.

Because it would hurt Aral badly to have you deny him, and he wouldn't say a word about it, and he also wouldn't allow his wife or his son to damage their relationship with you by defending him. It would strain everyone.

That's just Gregor's interpretation, but he feels fairly confident of it. He makes sure to lay it out neutrally, without his own feelings mixed up in it.]

[jacksonian]

[ So it's pride. But...That doesn't seem to be quite what Gregor is saying. ]

[vorbarra]

[Gregor eases forward the traces of that memory again, of Aral laying on the floor with a mute, immobilized Miles.

It's that. For you. And he doesn't try to put any more interpretation on it, letting the action speak for itself.]

[jacksonian]

[ A sharp spike of - what? Emotion. Nameless emotion.

That's not mine. That's his. ]

[vorbarra]

[It's what they want to do for you, or the current-age equivalent.

Did you know that I asked Miles when I first walked into the kitchen how hard I should be on you, if I should put the squeeze on all your lies? And he said to be as easy as possible. He said that without hesitation, with you pulling a stunner on him five minutes before.]

[jacksonian]

[ Strategy. Better chance of swaying me to your side if you seemed kind. ]

[vorbarra]

[Gregor doesn't try any grand persuasion. He just lets the honesty ring through his response, undeniable, as he answers, It wasn't. Whatever you do from this point forward, you have their loyalty. Your only decision is whether you want to return it.

In this deal, you hold all the cards, and they just want to give you more.

And if that's as Jacksonian a description of love as he can come up with, well, maybe it will be more palatable if he doesn't call it what it is outright. Because it seems to him as if Mark needs some explanation of it, beyond the word alone.]

[jacksonian]

[ But that doesn't make sense. That's the frustrating part. That sounds like something out of a fairy tale. Or something. Why would they want to give more? It's not good for them. It's a disadvantage for them if they do. They're losing something for it. ]

[vorbarra]

[ They'd lose much more if they didn't. Anyway, you're assuming emotion works on rationality. It doesn't.

Just keep it in mind when you talk to them and you'll see what I mean. ]

[jacksonian]

[ He supposes that makes sense. But he can't quite suppress a quick flash of bitterness - It would have been a lot easier for all of you if I hadn't shown up, wouldn't it? ]

[vorbarra]

[If you're asking whether I wish you weren't here, the answer is no. Easier isn't something I look for.]