I am junking up this beautiful community with this junk

[jacksonian]

All the other starters are so beautiful but instead I'm coming in and ruining everything with this useless post with this sad sack
Comment to this post and I will write you something

Comments

[jacksonian]

[ There's again a long pause, emotional noise muffled as he thinks about that. Finally, he gives the honest answer.

I don't know.

Back there, back...He'd had a purpose, and he'd understood his purpose. He'd known what to do. At all times he'd known what to do. And - Yeah. The medical procedures had been torturous. And the discipline he'd had to maintain - the sort of discipline that had been forced on him - had been...It had been hard. And the thought of them coming here, the thought of falling back in with the Komarrans - It fills him with complete terror, and again he's grateful that there's no way it can happen, that self-preservation and that oath will keep him from even being tempted to return. Because if he's found again, it'll be...awful. But -

But are things better? ]

[vorbarra]

[Gregor doesn't take offense at that, just goes quiet, turning it over for a moment.

Then maybe we're asking the wrong question. What do you need to be better? And I'll help you get it.]

[jacksonian]

[ A bubble of dark humor.

If I knew, do you think I'd be sitting here instead of doing something about it? ]

[vorbarra]

[Ha, alright, so he doesn't need Gregor for that. Point taken. Then let's continue.

Your second option is some sort of half-in, half-out limbo. You could admit the familial relationship, but refuse to take the name Vorkosigan. Not a bad option, really, as you get to dodge all the Vor nonsense. Cordelia would give you the name Naismith in a heartbeat if you wanted it-- it's why Miles used it for his cover.

Or you could be just Miles's brother, or just Cordelia's son, or whatever combination you wish if you want to avoid Aral. They're not actually a package deal, any of them. This does, of course, make things emotionally messy.

It's maybe a little telling that when he's speaking of them as a family, Gregor lets himself give up the pretense of formality with their titles.]

[jacksonian]

[ A little curl of uncertainty.

Messy how? Because of jealousy? ]

[vorbarra]

[Well, if he wants the truth.

Because it would hurt Aral badly to have you deny him, and he wouldn't say a word about it, and he also wouldn't allow his wife or his son to damage their relationship with you by defending him. It would strain everyone.

That's just Gregor's interpretation, but he feels fairly confident of it. He makes sure to lay it out neutrally, without his own feelings mixed up in it.]

[jacksonian]

[ So it's pride. But...That doesn't seem to be quite what Gregor is saying. ]

[vorbarra]

[Gregor eases forward the traces of that memory again, of Aral laying on the floor with a mute, immobilized Miles.

It's that. For you. And he doesn't try to put any more interpretation on it, letting the action speak for itself.]

[jacksonian]

[ A sharp spike of - what? Emotion. Nameless emotion.

That's not mine. That's his. ]

[vorbarra]

[It's what they want to do for you, or the current-age equivalent.

Did you know that I asked Miles when I first walked into the kitchen how hard I should be on you, if I should put the squeeze on all your lies? And he said to be as easy as possible. He said that without hesitation, with you pulling a stunner on him five minutes before.]

[jacksonian]

[ Strategy. Better chance of swaying me to your side if you seemed kind. ]

[vorbarra]

[Gregor doesn't try any grand persuasion. He just lets the honesty ring through his response, undeniable, as he answers, It wasn't. Whatever you do from this point forward, you have their loyalty. Your only decision is whether you want to return it.

In this deal, you hold all the cards, and they just want to give you more.

And if that's as Jacksonian a description of love as he can come up with, well, maybe it will be more palatable if he doesn't call it what it is outright. Because it seems to him as if Mark needs some explanation of it, beyond the word alone.]

[jacksonian]

[ But that doesn't make sense. That's the frustrating part. That sounds like something out of a fairy tale. Or something. Why would they want to give more? It's not good for them. It's a disadvantage for them if they do. They're losing something for it. ]

[vorbarra]

[ They'd lose much more if they didn't. Anyway, you're assuming emotion works on rationality. It doesn't.

Just keep it in mind when you talk to them and you'll see what I mean. ]

[jacksonian]

[ He supposes that makes sense. But he can't quite suppress a quick flash of bitterness - It would have been a lot easier for all of you if I hadn't shown up, wouldn't it? ]

[vorbarra]

[If you're asking whether I wish you weren't here, the answer is no. Easier isn't something I look for.]

[jacksonian]

[ But it doesn't change the fact that I'm a complication. ]

[vorbarra]

[ There's a resounding sense of And? Gregor's whole life is complicated. He doesn't expect anyone else to be any less.

I'm not sure what you're trying to do. Convince me you're too much trouble? ]

[jacksonian]

[ Mark shrugs, the gesture outward and physical. And he speaks: ]

I am.

[vorbarra]

[Gregor has gotten so comfortable indefinitely speaking to Miles telepathically that he hadn't even thought to switch, but he doesn't mind it. He eases off a bit mentally, the link slipping further closed, though he leaves it more open than is his default.]

What's too much about it?

[He sounds patient and inquisitive.]

[jacksonian]

[ A shrug. ]

Whether you want me or not, which - you know, I know what you've said so far...It still disturbs what you have with Miles, doesn't it?

[vorbarra]

It doesn't disturb anything. [And indeed he sounds quite unconcerned, pushing his plate aside so he can set his chin in his palm, his elbow on the table. It's Gregor's casual listening pose, indicating he's turned off being Imperial.]

It's another one of those things you don't quite get because you know the letter and not the spirit of the law. Whatever happens with you and Miles, it won't alter you and me, or me and him. And he won't expect it to.