[ In the back of Gregor's mind is a whole empire, some faded by distance but hundreds of millions crowded close unawares, pressing on the edges of his consciousness and held at bay by an iron will. In some respects, Gregor has become less forgiving; he has no need for doubt anymore, no need to dispense mercy just in case they are undeserving. He knows when they are, he knows for certain. He is a more resolute figure by far.
But in private, it has made him more protective, and more frail. He hears everything, knows everything, and it is awful, many times. Every private criticism and bleak thought. He's never come close to considering a romantic relationship with anyone, before Cavilo; had only dallied with one or two ambassadors' daughters purely because he couldn't hear them.
He's sick to death sometimes of knowing too much. But with Miles what he finds is never anything that surprises him, never past what he can stand knowing. The hidden darkness in Miles is all self-inflicted, or another victim of Barrayar. That with his new memories makes him easy to love-- not just easy but necessary.
He kisses him in answer, mouth first and then whole body following, sliding out of his chair and half-crouched to meet him at his level. A thousand half-formed memories flow through him of kneeling, of sitting on counters, of picking him up, the ways they deal with the height difference easy as breathing over time. Could he have that again? Could Gregor ever feel so easy with anyone?
He's not sure he would believe it possible with anyone but Miles. That hope cuts him keenly, aches. He's setting himself up for so much vulnerability, not toward Miles but toward the rest of the universe, which could take him away in a thousand different ways.
Gregor is falling off a cliff, hurtling into an abyss... but doesn't he get something for himself? Just this? ]
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But in private, it has made him more protective, and more frail. He hears everything, knows everything, and it is awful, many times. Every private criticism and bleak thought. He's never come close to considering a romantic relationship with anyone, before Cavilo; had only dallied with one or two ambassadors' daughters purely because he couldn't hear them.
He's sick to death sometimes of knowing too much. But with Miles what he finds is never anything that surprises him, never past what he can stand knowing. The hidden darkness in Miles is all self-inflicted, or another victim of Barrayar. That with his new memories makes him easy to love-- not just easy but necessary.
He kisses him in answer, mouth first and then whole body following, sliding out of his chair and half-crouched to meet him at his level. A thousand half-formed memories flow through him of kneeling, of sitting on counters, of picking him up, the ways they deal with the height difference easy as breathing over time. Could he have that again? Could Gregor ever feel so easy with anyone?
He's not sure he would believe it possible with anyone but Miles. That hope cuts him keenly, aches. He's setting himself up for so much vulnerability, not toward Miles but toward the rest of the universe, which could take him away in a thousand different ways.
Gregor is falling off a cliff, hurtling into an abyss... but doesn't he get something for himself? Just this? ]