Zuko · 蘇科 (
flammatory) wrote in
barrayar2017-01-16 04:47 pm
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idk I guess I still play this dumb asshole
Tag me or something. Let me know if you have a preference for canon point (I usually default to post-show with some comics inspo). Also feel free to comment blank and I'll make a prompt.
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He nods shortly, almost curt, at the directive that Obi-Wan has Council business here. Zuko doesn't think that the relative celebrity status of his new master and his formar Padawan is impacting him unduly-- his nerves have nothing to do with that. He'd be nervous no matter what, he's sure. Nothing seems totally real yet; he keeps catching himself acting as if Master Iroh is just waiting for him back in their quarters, or like he's taken a week long vacation to a hot spring and left him behind... And then the gruesome violence of his death flickers behind his eyes again, or Zuko has to turn his head to the left to compensate for his reduced peripheral vision, and it hits him like a solid blow all over again.
Nerves about his new assignment is normal. Healthy. His master had never taken him to ask for things like that... even though his emotions are Zuko's weakest point.
Questions for him are much easier than trying to figure out what he can ask, even wants to ask, that doesn't embarrass himself. "My master--" He swallows, pushes himself past it. "My master preferred Makashi. He always just smiled at people who told him it was outdated." Idiot, he probably knows that. And stop reminiscing -- it hurts. "I'm more naturally inclined to Ataru and more aggressive forms, and..." Zuko hesitates again. "Master Iroh said I great potential in combat applications of the Force, but he never judged me ready to begin training it. He said it was the last thing I should learn before the Trials. I have a lot of meditating to do before then," he finishes with a more natural, frustrated sigh.
It was a roadblock that he sometimes rebelled against, and he'd had more than one snide argument with Iroh about it (snide on his part, longsuffering on Iroh's), but in the wake of his death Zuko is unwilling to question his judgement again. Plus, he knows he's right. If there's ever a time Zuko's emotional control isn't adequate to learning violent applications of the Force, it's right now.
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And if Master Iroh deemed that Zuko wasn't ready prior to now, after his Master's death? Zuko certainly isn't ready now. It's fortunate that Obi-Wan is no stranger to dealing with others' loss, and guiding them through it to the best of his abilities. Anakin has never truly gotten over it - but they had pushed him ahead anyway, knowing that his presence in the war was invaluable, trusting in his control to truly find serenity one day - but here, he thinks, he may have at least a bit more time.
"But I'm sure you know what this means, Zuko. I know that you do not wish to speak of it, that your grief is still raw, but in time, we must speak of your loss - and how you are coping with it. There are those who claim that rage is what truly turns us to the Dark Side, and while there is truth in that, I believe it has a more common root in loss, something that we have very little control over, save for what we do with it."
He settles his hands on his knees, remembering when he had lost his own Master, remembering how that had lit a flame in him he didn't know how to handle, how instead of further guidance, he was given a Padawan of his own, dealing with his own personal demons.
"You needn't speak of it now, if it is still too soon. But we must speak of it soon, and with honesty - when we speak of it, there are no wrong answers. The more honest we can be with one another, the faster you may find yourself a Knight."
While he may be playing off of Zuko's natural urges to progress in his life, to contribute to the war he had grown in the midst of, there is no dishonesty in his words, no great manipulation; he knows that should Zuko not be honest now, his grief will only grow over time, and turn into something new and sinister. They must speak of it now, and grieve together, and find hope at the end of the tunnel, at the end of all things.