dendarii: (eidetics 66)
Lord Miles Naismith Vorkosigan ([personal profile] dendarii) wrote in [community profile] barrayar 2016-01-27 04:38 am (UTC)

[ He would never, in the end; the temptation, however it may have spiked, can only be temporary.

A small starburst of despair seems to go off in his head at that. Gregor retracting, Gregor frustrated, Gregor not wanting to say something he'd regret - where is that ultimate acceptance that Miles had felt during that first disastrous power test? Is it gone? Does it not apply here, on this alternate level? He'd fed Gregor the worst first not really to make him stumble, but rather to selfishly pursue comfort. He can only blame himself if he finds Gregor's reaction to be only a reasonable one, after all.

(The sharp spot catches and bleeds again; he finds himself ruthlessly dragging his mind back over it, picturing himself on Beta Colony and feeling very desperate indeed.)

Without a word, he reaches for the bottle again. Takes a drink. Forces it to puncture something of this painful feeling bubbling up inside of him, before it obscures everything. This isn't Gregor's fault. His, all his, and this is a stupid conversation to be having. What was he expecting anyway? For Gregor to tell him he was pretty or something? ]


It's all right. Let's trot out something you can defend, then, and we'll both feel better.

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