[ The answering flare of ferocity pushes against those traces of close and safe. He tries to assert his self-sufficiency. But underlaid beneath that is a realization that he's never been self-sufficient. He hasn't ever kept himself safe. He's always had minders and groomers - sometimes when he speaks, he loudly holds Miles Vorkosigan in contempt for the ease of his life, the coddling he's been treated to, but even as he sneers about that he knows that he's been even more sheltered. Kept even safer. The conversation with Miles in the kitchen was perhaps only the second conversation he'd ever had that hadn't been recorded or eavesdropped on.
Not true, though. Gregor was listening. A little pulse of frustration. And then back to that proud attempt to assert his self-sufficiency. He could if he needed. Just like Miles. Building a mercenary army. He could do that, he's sure of it. If he needed to. If he wanted to. He could construct loyalty. He could live on his own. He's never tried, but he could. He could keep himself safe. He doesn't need another minder.
But...That thought is fierce, yes. But angry, no. And definitely not hateful. That feeling of appreciation is...It illuminates a lot of the darker places in him, banishes some of the shadows. A temporary thing. The light is always taken away in time. But for just a moment, some of the hurt is assuaged, and with it a lot of the viciousness. ]
no subject
Not true, though. Gregor was listening. A little pulse of frustration. And then back to that proud attempt to assert his self-sufficiency. He could if he needed. Just like Miles. Building a mercenary army. He could do that, he's sure of it. If he needed to. If he wanted to. He could construct loyalty. He could live on his own. He's never tried, but he could. He could keep himself safe. He doesn't need another minder.
But...That thought is fierce, yes. But angry, no. And definitely not hateful. That feeling of appreciation is...It illuminates a lot of the darker places in him, banishes some of the shadows. A temporary thing. The light is always taken away in time. But for just a moment, some of the hurt is assuaged, and with it a lot of the viciousness. ]